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I remember when my life wasn't all spreadsheets and paperwork. When things like Office Space were more funny than sad at the truth that I was starting to live that movie, pre-hypnotism scene. I remember when I was a kid, I could walk on my hands, jump higher/further than a just a few feet, climb trees like a monkey and many other things that I haven't done in years. I'm going to be 30 years old this month. 30... fuck. When I was in high school, I was pretty sure I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I was thirty, simply because of the crazy shit I used to do. Now, there really isn't much "crazy" in my life and I fucking miss it sometimes. I can say sometimes, because I know that there are a lot of things that I'd never like to deal with again.
I guess some of this is spawned by what my dreams used to be and how far I am still from them at this point in life. I look around and see all these young dudes with their third NY Times best seller novel or inventing the next big console or doing a punch front triple-back into a somersault mctwist or whatever and what have I got over them? Almost nothing. Sure, I've got better insurance, a steady job, a roof over my head, I'm not starving, a 401k, etc. But what else do I really have? I mean, I look around my room and I think about all the shit I've done in my life and I really kind of wonder where all the time went. I guess this is what is commonly referred to as a "life-crisis", though that's usually preceeded by "mid". I hope 30 isn't mid-life for me.
At any rate, it just seems like everyone around me is moving and I'm still just sitting here. In the last two years, I've been to no less than four weddings of friends, which doesn't include the two later this month. More than one of my close friends has had a child or gotten pregnant in the last year. I can name at least 6 people from my hometown that are currently in another country and about 6 more that have plans for travel within the year.
I know I've done a lot in my life and I think that is why I feel so almost cheated now. Why I have dreams of shit like Wanted happening to me in real life (for reference, the movie, not the comic.) I've done a lot with my life, but in the last five years, I've left a two-hundred-mile radius only four times (two of them being Comic-con). Hell, in the last ten years I've only left that radius about six times. That seems really sad to me.
Even if it turned out travel wasn't as big a deal in my life as I had planned for it to be, what else have I done? I look at people that I know personally and the things and people they have had pass through their lives. I mean, my dad works in a gun store, drives a bus and hangs out with people like the guy who invented carbon fiber while working for NASA. My brother is a firefighter/EMT, has two kids and a nice house. My mom is a school teacher and travels the world on her summers. I missed my ten- year reunion for high school because I was at Comic-con (which I was told I did not really miss much, but I digress) and it was goo that I missed it, because I really didn't have anything to show for the ten years away from school. No wife. No kids. No exciting carreer. Nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I really like being me. I just wish I was doing more with my life than I am.
My first step is going to be a bucket list of my own. I didn't see the movie, but I think that it's a good idea to make a list of the things you want to accomplish before you kick the bucket and then start working on getting some of them done.
I'll spare the board the list. I think I'm done yelling at nothing and myself for the moment.
Thanks for listening, er, reading. Whatever. night.